Legos in the laundry, that’s the new season of parenthood I’m in. We’ve somehow slipped out of monthly milestones, developmental leaps and counting each new word. We’ve entered a world of creativity, imagination and joy. A world that consists of small holes in my yard filled with plastic dinosaurs, lego creations that fall out when I open the dryer door, scribbled notes and detailed treasure maps taped to the walls of my house. Brotherly bike races, obstacle courses and tickle fights, overflowing boxes of “treasures”, nerf darts in every corner, mixed up potions, swords and masks and a dozen costumes in one day. Leaving the baby season and squarely being in the kid season feels like a big deal. I equate it to the feeling of turning 25. Where it suddenly feels old, but in reality you’re still quite young. This phase feels big and so much older, but in the same breath I recognize I still am needed for middle of the night tuck-ins, tying loose shoelaces, or getting something off the top shelf.
The heartbreakingly beautiful part about parenthood is that it really is all a phase. The sleepless nights, the spit up, the separation anxiety, the babbles, the step,step,stumble, the handprints all over your windows, the blowouts. It all fleeting, which inevitably means it’s bittersweet. The idea that tomorrow your kids are a tiny bit older, a tiny bit bigger. The days blend into weeks, weeks into months, and before you know it, it’s been two years since you changed a diaper. Suddenly the bottles are gone and replaced with cups your kids can fill themselves.
There are moments in the motherhood when you desperately want to freeze time. Those newborn cuddles & coo’s. The way that little hand slips into yours. The slobbery kisses. And moments you wish to rush through, phases where you are simply surviving. There’s no capacity for anything extra. Days where your best looks like simply keeping everyone fed and alive (yourself included). Society tells us don’t blink you’ll miss it, soak it up, cherish it all, enjoy every moment. That mentality puts an unattainable pressure on moms to feel like they have to love every stage, or else! The overt dismissal that parenting is the single most difficult balancing act on the planet. It takes from every part of you. You sacrifice your body, your time, your sleep. However the dichotomy of parenthood is: it can also absolutely be the biggest, hardest, most beautiful journey you embark on.
As I exit one phase and enter another I wonder: how do you hold on to something that is slipping through your fingers? At some point along the way I ditched the pressure to “love every moment because one day I’ll miss it”. And instead focus on being present, acknowledging where we are in that moment. The good and the bad. The parts that challenge me, the parts that make me question if I’m doing it right at all, as well as the parts that make my heart explode. Giving my kids my full attention, sitting on the floor with them, indulging and submersing myself in their world, taking my shoes off and playing chase in the grass. Reconnecting with my inner child. These help feel like I’m extending my memories somehow. Maybe one day the memories will be easier to access because I wasn’t distracted and instead I was truly there. When I’m older I hope the cool grass between my toes transports me to games of chase, picnics outside, backyard soccer matches. I hope the lone lego reminds of all the starships, rovers, cars and castles that were built. I hope a cup of chocolate milk reminds me of all loud dinners with messy faces and knock knock jokes. These are same dinners that I currently have a love hate relationship with. There are nights where the protesting of the homemade meal, the inevitable poop joke, the invasion of personal space are too much for 6pm. But I’m acutely aware that one day it’ll be my husband and I at an empty, quiet table again, so I soften. I join in on the jokes, I shoot my husband a knowing smile & we often exchange the phrase “this is what I thought it’d be like”.
Today if you read this and you are caught in a simply surviving phase remember, you are doing your best and that is good enough. Not every stage of motherhood fits nicely into social media squares. It’s okay to dislike the phase you’re in and take solace in knowing it’s literally that. A phase. A new one will greet, often at the crux of when you think you can’t take much more.
East Bay Mama 