Tag: san francisco

February Round up

The month might be shorter than most but it always feels jam packed! February meant the start of baseball practices for the boys, a trip to Tahoe (see our trip here), celebrating Valentines Day & my birthday at the end of the month. We had some pretty big rain storms at the beginning of the month which lead to lots of throwing our rainsuits on and jumping in puddles. Here’s a little glimpse into what we got into this month, recipes I loved this month, books I read, where we’re at on our 1K hours outside and my decluttering challenge! I also posted an essay on the phase of motherhood you can read it here: Legos in the Laundry

This month I joined a volunteer organization that bakes birthday kids for Foster kids who otherwise may not get a cake. I baked my first cake for the organization this month. It was a batman themed cake for a 15 year old. I have loved baking my boys cakes and the idea that there are kids out there that won’t be made to feel special or celebrated on their birthday, pulls at my heart. It really felt like the perfect fit as a way to give back to my community, spread joy & use skills I already have. I joined the bay area chapter face book group and I’m so impressed with all the amazing bakers. Also this brought up so many important conversations with my own kids. We talked about how fortunate we are and how we never know other peoples circumstances. Not to mention just broadening their horizons that there are kids who are only getting a cake because someone like myself is making it. Before we can even think about teaching our children gratitude we first have to teach them awareness and noticing. So exposing them to truths in age appropriate ways can foster gratitude! Here’s pic of the cake I did, I love the way it turned out and I loved the recipe the organization had in their resource center for black frosting that won’t stain teeth.

My Dark Knight cake!

Recipes I’ve been loving:

Protein cookie dough: I’m usually underwhelmed by high protein desserts because they never really taste as good as I’d like. but this cookie dough legit tastes like you’re eating cookie dough. I’ve been making it on repeat all month long. Just combine 1/2 cup almond flour, 1/2 vanilla protein powder (I’ve been using this one), 1/4 maple syrup, 3 tbsp melted coconut oil and 1/3 cup mini chocolate chips. I combine in a bowl until all mixed up and then spread out onto parchment paper. I usually place another parchment paper over it and flatten to desired thickness. Then chill in the fridge or freezer and cut into squares. This has been my go to snack when I’m craving something sweet.

kimchi fried rice – I made it with chicken but honestly you could put any protein in it. I’m making it again this week. 10/10 I used this recipe . I think next time I make it I’m gonna use shrimp.

Shrimp spring rolls. I’ve also been making these ahead of time for easy lunches. I bought a pack of rice paper wraps off amazon and have been trying different additions to my spring rolls. Right now I’m loving a mix of shrimp, mint, cilantro and bean sprouts with a spicy peanut sauce. It’s so crunchy and good.

Books I read this month:

The Great Alone – my favorite book this month. I love Kristen Hannah. I love her writing style and her stories are always so emotional.

Small Things Everywhere – This was our bookclub book. It was super short, a little strange. lol. By no means a bad book, but just hard to understand what would actually be important in the book since it was literally only 100 pages.

Jesus and John Wayne – This was a political non-fiction book about how the evangelicals and their impact in american politics. It was as dense as it sounds lol.

After I do – quick romance read. My second Taylor Jenkins Reid book of the year and this one didn’t disappoint!

Slow read of War & Peace – I’m still chugging along. This month I kinda fell behind and was having to read multiple chapters a sitting. In March my goal is to really try to stick to the one chapter a day plan!

podcast that I loved: Dr. Becky – how to not raise an asshole. – I love Dr. Becky her podcast and book is such a powerful resource for parents. And this podcast episode seriously knocked it out of the park with talking to our kids about gratitude and our ideas behind raising entitled children. I listened to this episode twice taking notes to pass on to my husband! 10/10.

As Far as:

Decluttering Challenge: I have a decluttering goal of purging 2025 items from our home this year. So in February I purged a little over 300 items total. This is definitely a hard challenge but it’s been fun to track.

1000 hours outside: in February we logged 51 hours outside, bringing our total to 122 hours for the year. Like I mentioned earlier in the post the weather was pretty dreary at the beginning of the month. And now we’re in full swing when it comes to baseball so I’m sure those hours will tick up as the weather continues to get better.

Looking forward – we are taking the boys to Monster Jam in March and have some fun things planned around Spring break including a glamping trip with friends and of course loads of baseball as well as some little projects I’m working on at our house.

xoxo

Legos in the Laundry

Legos in the laundry, that’s the new season of parenthood I’m in. We’ve somehow slipped out of monthly milestones, developmental leaps and counting each new word. We’ve entered a world of creativity, imagination and joy. A world that consists of small holes in my yard filled with plastic dinosaurs, lego creations that fall out when I open the dryer door, scribbled notes and detailed treasure maps taped to the walls of my house. Brotherly bike races, obstacle courses and tickle fights, overflowing boxes of “treasures”, nerf darts in every corner, mixed up potions, swords and masks and a dozen costumes in one day. Leaving the baby season and squarely being in the kid season feels like a big deal. I equate it to the feeling of turning 25. Where it suddenly feels old, but in reality you’re still quite young. This phase feels big and so much older, but in the same breath I recognize I still am needed for middle of the night tuck-ins, tying loose shoelaces, or getting something off the top shelf.

The heartbreakingly beautiful part about parenthood is that it really is all a phase. The sleepless nights, the spit up, the separation anxiety, the babbles, the step,step,stumble, the handprints all over your windows, the blowouts. It all fleeting, which inevitably means it’s bittersweet. The idea that tomorrow your kids are a tiny bit older, a tiny bit bigger. The days blend into weeks, weeks into months, and before you know it, it’s been two years since you changed a diaper. Suddenly the bottles are gone and replaced with cups your kids can fill themselves.

There are moments in the motherhood when you desperately want to freeze time. Those newborn cuddles & coo’s. The way that little hand slips into yours. The slobbery kisses. And moments you wish to rush through, phases where you are simply surviving. There’s no capacity for anything extra. Days where your best looks like simply keeping everyone fed and alive (yourself included). Society tells us don’t blink you’ll miss it, soak it up, cherish it all, enjoy every moment. That mentality puts an unattainable pressure on moms to feel like they have to love every stage, or else! The overt dismissal that parenting is the single most difficult balancing act on the planet. It takes from every part of you. You sacrifice your body, your time, your sleep. However the dichotomy of parenthood is: it can also absolutely be the biggest, hardest, most beautiful journey you embark on.

As I exit one phase and enter another I wonder: how do you hold on to something that is slipping through your fingers? At some point along the way I ditched the pressure to “love every moment because one day I’ll miss it”. And instead focus on being present, acknowledging where we are in that moment. The good and the bad. The parts that challenge me, the parts that make me question if I’m doing it right at all, as well as the parts that make my heart explode. Giving my kids my full attention, sitting on the floor with them, indulging and submersing myself in their world, taking my shoes off and playing chase in the grass. Reconnecting with my inner child. These help feel like I’m extending my memories somehow. Maybe one day the memories will be easier to access because I wasn’t distracted and instead I was truly there. When I’m older I hope the cool grass between my toes transports me to games of chase, picnics outside, backyard soccer matches. I hope the lone lego reminds of all the starships, rovers, cars and castles that were built. I hope a cup of chocolate milk reminds me of all loud dinners with messy faces and knock knock jokes. These are same dinners that I currently have a love hate relationship with. There are nights where the protesting of the homemade meal, the inevitable poop joke, the invasion of personal space are too much for 6pm. But I’m acutely aware that one day it’ll be my husband and I at an empty, quiet table again, so I soften. I join in on the jokes, I shoot my husband a knowing smile & we often exchange the phrase “this is what I thought it’d be like”.

Today if you read this and you are caught in a simply surviving phase remember, you are doing your best and that is good enough. Not every stage of motherhood fits nicely into social media squares. It’s okay to dislike the phase you’re in and take solace in knowing it’s literally that. A phase. A new one will greet, often at the crux of when you think you can’t take much more.

25 in 2025 List

Another year came and went! For many years now I’ve created these lists – you can read about them here (20 in 2020, but basically it’s a framework to help design, and add intentionality into the year. I put bigger goals as well as small, sometimes lingering tasks that I haven’t done but want to accomplish (ie: deal with tech donations, renew a passport, etc.). In this post I’m sharing my list for 2025 including a detailed version below. I enjoying doing one of these lists far more than creating a big often vague resolution. We’re only a little ways into 2025 so it’s certainly not too late to create one of your own!

Here’s a more detailed version of my list!

  1. 1k hours outside – We attempted this in 2023 and got SO close – like 940ish hours I think. I’m excited to try this again because I feel like we are outside so much with the kids when they’re playing baseball and we upgraded our backyard set up so I really think we can get to 1k!
  2. Slow read War and Peace – I’m doing a chapter a day and following along with a substack that puts out weekly short pods with plot / character and chapter summaries. This book is insanely long and I don’t think I would have read it otherwise.
  3. Delete social media – This one is surprising but kind of happened organically. Late last year I deleted twitter because it was an absolute dumpster fire. After I deleted it, it felt SO good so I actually deleted IG off my phone in the new year. And then tiktok took care of itself lol. I don’t really have a plan as to how long or if I’ll pop back in. Right now I’m really just enjoying the freedom.
  4. Sew banquet bench cushions – I made our dining room banquet seating in 2023 but it needs some comfy cushions so this year I plan to take this on.
  5. Build living room built ins – another DIY. duh.
  6. Get a will / living trust set up – This is a roll over from last year. We. NEED. To. Get. This. Done.
  7. Volunteer – cakes for kids / help packs – I found an amazing organization that I joined to bake cakes for foster kids who otherwise wouldn’t get a cake. This is right up my alley. I found this org on the website Just Serve which shows you so many amazing volunteer opportunities in your area!
  8. Read 40 books –
  9. Renew my passport –
  10. Paint fireplace brick – this badly needs a touch up because Toby lays on it every night and gets it filthy.
  11. Take candid sports photos – I picked up my DSLR last baseball season and was happy I did. I plan to take more candids of the kids this season.
  12. Save $ & monthly budgeting with Chris 
  13. Purge 2025 items – I found a little tracker for this online and so far I’m at 50. This feels ambitious but I desperately want to simplify and continue to minimize our stuff.
  14. Use the food we have – minimizing food waste is a huge goal – I want to use up things before just running to the store.
  15. Cook with boys 1 dinner / month – dinner is statistically the meal my children eat the least of. I’m trying something new where each boy gets to pick a recipe to make for dinner once a month. And then I will cook it with them and let them help as much as possible.
  16. Be easier on myself – this is a rollover from last year and although I think I did a decent job of this, I wanted to include it because it is just a good reminder. I need the reminder to extend the same amount of grace and compassion to myself whether it’s about my mothering, my body, my productivity, as I would to a friend. I want to show my kids it’s okay to make mistakes and not beat ourselves up about it.
  17. Enjoy our outdoor furniture – literally writing this blog post from my outdoor couch, drenched in sunlight. this should not be hard to accomplish.
  18. Paint Chris’ office – I have the tub of paint, just need to get it done. Luckily he has a few work trips in the next few months so I plant to take that opportunity while his office is empty to get this done!
  19. Complete dig deeper 2x – This is a workout program that i’m 3/4 of the way through and I LOVED. I plan to do it again. It’s 12 weeks long. So it takes me a while to get through.
  20. Make a 5 senses portrait – this is a roll over from 2024, I do want to complete this. It’s basically a way to create a portrait of someone or something using your senses. I want to do it for my kids and for my parents. because I feel like it gives such a great snapshot of what they are like in this moment. 
  21. Summer of swimming – last summer we joined a great gym that has a pool that makes you feel like you’re on vacation. We utilized it a bunch but this summer I want to use it even more. And really just work on the boys swimming capabilities as well as swimming for exercise for myself.
  22. Catch up on photo books (2023/2024) – This one I put on my list every year because it’s a huge undertaking but also brings immense joy. I’m 95% done with my 2023 book, and my goal is to get 2024 done realtively quickly!
  23. Superstitious – this goal is something I really want to happen but I’m a little nervous to put it out on the internet. Stay tuned lol
  24. Start Harry Potter with Will – Will and I are doing a 100 day reading challenge together and I’m trying to really help him strengthen his reading skills and fall in love with reading. After our 100 day challenge I want to start Harry Potter.
  25. Start hiking with Toby –

I know a lot of people feel some kind of way about this new year. But for me I’m really trying to cultivate and control what I can in my own home and little community. So that’s what I’m aiming for my list this year. Like I mentioned under the delete social media point. I’m not sure if I’ll return to making IG content. I made it for so long, showing up literally every single day. And it feels so free to take a break. I’ve had this blog before I began creating content and so I think you’ll find me here this year.

Cheers

Natasha

25 Easy Elf on the Shelf Ideas

Tis the season for the return of the our friend in the little pointy hat that is pure magic for kids and STRESS for parents. We’ve all had the moment where we shoot up in bed realizing we haven’t moved the elf. Last year I decided to make a list of ideas so I could refer to it and try to plan it out to minimize the stress. I didn’t follow a strict calendar but it was nice to have some pre-planned ideas. This year I decided I would share my list, because we are all in this together!! This year I’m also making note what materials are needed that way I can set them aside beforehand!

Day 1 “I’m back!” It’s a long month ahead so starting off easy – with a simple “I’m back” sign. You can make this however you want! I’m using a popsicle stick and a piece of cardboard.

Day 2: Apple Caterpillar – Materials: Apples (3-6), googly eyes, tooth picks, mini marshmallows

Day 3: Lego Christmas tree – Materials: various green legos, brown and yellow. small base

Day 4: Paper Towel Doodles – Materials: paper-towels, markers. This one is easy, the drawing doesn’t have to be intricate.

Day 5: Playing cards or games with superheroes, barbies, stuffies etc. – Materials: cards or game of choice and other “participants” I also like the duplo card holder here!

Day 6: Christmas countdown – Materials: paper & markers / crayons

Day 7: Letter to Santa – Materials: Paper & pencil or crayon. I’m printing out these templates! This website has lots of cute templates! https://mondaymandala.com/letter-to-santa-templates/

Day 8: Wrapped in “net” from Spidey – Materials: string, Spiderman

Day 9: Hershey’s Kiss Bowling. Materials: Hershey’s kisses, Foil ball

Day 10: Roast Marshmallow – Materials: Marshmallow, stick, fake candle

Day 11: Jenga fort – Materials: Jenga or other blocks

Day 12: Snowflakes / Paper chains – Materials: precut snowflakes – could also leave paper chain material

Day 13: Wrapped as a present – Materials: cardboard, wrapping paper, tape

Day 14: Toilet paper igloo – Materials: cotton bowls, toilet paper, led candle (optional)

Day 15: Lego climbing wall – Materials: various legos / hot glue or double sided tape

Day 16: Scrub a. dub – Materials: small washcloth, q tip

Day 17: Elf walks the dog – Materials: little dog (I used a duplo one) and pipe cleaner

Day 18: Found in fridge – Material – sharpie (draw faces on eggs)

Day 19: Elf Golf – Materials: candy cane, green felt, mini marshmallows

Day 20: Magnatile house – Materials: various magnatiles – could also use blocks or legos!

Day 22: Donut Snowmen – Mini powdered donuts, mini chocolate chips, pretzel sticks

Day 23: Star on the tree – Material: Yellow paper star

Day 24: Ball Pit – Materials: pom poms & bowl or container

Day 25: Whisk / Baking day – Materials: whisk and elf. If you plan to include your kids in holiday baking you can use this day as a way to let them in on baking. Or simply just having your elf be silly and stuck in the whisk.

Even More Ideas:

  • Christmas PJ Delivery – I usually let the elf take credit for bringing new Christmas PJ’s
  • Hot chocolate day – I get the little hot chocolate sticks that all you have to do is add warm milk and it makes it super easy
  • Delivering a holiday puzzle
  • Reading with or to stuffed animals / barbies etc
  • Decorating bananas as minions with a sharpie
  • If you’re going on a holiday adventure (looking at christmas lights, going on a holiday train, going to play in the snow etc) using the elf to announce what adventure you’re going on!

Monday Mindset – The one habit that transformed motherhood

If I were to look back and try to pinpoint what set in motion all my mindset and habit changes over the last four years, one thing in particular stands out. Waking up ahead of my kids… This ability to safeguard a little bit of time for myself at the beginning of each day without a doubt transformed my motherhood.

When I started waking up early I was pregnant with Johnathan, Will had dropped down to one nap a day. Suddenly I was scrambling for time to get things done, uninterrupted. My day would start with fussing and crying and I would instantly feel behind. I had started my coaching business, and my to-do lists were long. I was feeling frustrated, short tempered and was quickly realizing I needed to change something. I started small, just 15 minutes ahead of when Wills sound machine would click off. I’d take a few minutes to wake up, maybe jot down a plan for the day, wash my face in silence, sit and pet Juno. This quickly increased to me waking up 30 min early so I could get my workout done first thing. An amazing thing happens when you start giving your body and your mind this space. You begin to CRAVE this silence, this peace. I pretty quickly noticed a shift. Mornings where I didn’t get up early felt tense, I was easily thrown into a bad mood, I was on edge. Mornings where I gave myself a few minutes to wake up allowed for a sense of calm and the ability to handle whatever came at me!

Now I know what you’re thinking “there’s no way I could wake up any earlier than I have to”, stick with me here. I want to be clear, I was never a morning person. I love to sleep in. My former nightshift self relished in getting to sleep until 5pm. However, for the season of life I’m in, with young children, sleeping in is not only unattainable but also not functional or efficient for my life. In this season, when my kids are at home the majority of the day and still need me for many things, I need to front-load my day. When I do this I’m happier, I’m more patient, I’m certainly more productive. I’m able to approach my kids and my family from a place of calm and compassion. Instead of waking to the onslaught of toddler demands, I’m able to exert a little control in how I start my day. If I want to listen to a podcast, if I want to sit in silence and drink coffee, if I want to meditate outside, I can. When I give myself this gift of space and time to wake up, I’m no longer thrown off or upset when I find my two year olds night time diaper malfunctioned or whatever unforeseen event is waiting for me when the rest of the house wakes up. The reality is there are few places throughout your day where you’re able to find some extra time, so giving yourself even a 15 minute cushion of time in the morning allows for you to feel less stressed and more prepared for the day. As mothers we act from a place of servitude, however resentment can rear it’s ugly head when you feel like you’re serving others from the moment your eyes open each day until you fall in bed that night.

** Important caveat here – there are seasons of your life where this is not possible and sleep takes priority, hello newborn bubble. If you are in a season like this, grace. Grace is your biggest friend. Give yourself a big serving of grace, take seconds if you need to, and know that this season will pass **

consider this:

We tend to wear our ability to get by on little sleep as some sort of badge of honor that validates our work ethic but what it is a profound failure of self respect and of priorities. Then nearly a quarter of us do something else that starts us out on the second wrong foot of the day. We reach for our cell phones within one minute of waking up. Over half of us are checking messages within ten minutes. The majority of people go from out cold to processing mountains of information within minutes every morning. There are only six cars that can go from zero to sixty in under two seconds. Like most cars, humans are not built for that kind of sudden transition, mentally or physically. 

Dan Baker, What Happy People Know

Try this: skip the AM scroll.

Pick a day or two this week to set your alarm 15-20 min early & hold off on immediately scrolling, instead focus on a transition. When we immediately start our days by staring into our prized little rectangles we are giving our energy to other peoples messages, emails, we begin subconsciously comparing and our minds are instantly drawn to things we thing we “should” be doing. When we start our days with high pressure or high stress, we program ourselves to stay in that state the rest of the day and it can be hard to self correct out. By giving ourselves even just a few minutes to transition we can drastically alter the tone of the day.

I’ll share the framework of my morning routine in an upcoming post, but know, it has seen many iterations through the years. And ultimately our needs and circumstances are all different. Some women will want this time to read, to make lists, to workout, to pray or to run their businesses. What works for me in this particular season may not serve you as well. It’s less about how you fill this time and more about creating time that serves YOU. If spending 5 min unloading the dishwasher before everyone is up will make you feel on top of your game do it. If spending 15 min reading while you drink coffee will energize you do it. Consider you pain-points. What is making your morning feel chaotic… is it trying to get ready while little hands grab at you, is it never having time or motivation to workout, is it trying to prep school lunches and make breakfast? Most of our morning tasks can be completed much faster when we’re alone, it’s those tiny people that drag efficiency down… love em’ but it’s true!

I would love to hear if you already do this, or if this is something you’ve tried but struggled with or something you’ve just never considered. For me, waking up 30 – 40 earlier than my kids gives me vastly more energy than staying in bed would for that same amount of time. It sets my day off on the right foot, I dictate the tone and the energy. Try it and see how your motherhood transforms!

Father’s Day Gift Guide

1. Cooler 2. Waterproof Hat 3. Battery Pack. 4. Wallet.
5. Breakfast Sandwich Maker. 6. Car Vacuum 7. Handprints

Father’s Day is right around the corner so I thought I’d share some ideas for anyone still looking for a gift for that Dad in their life! Plus all of these items are still in stock and will get shipped in time for Father’s Day!

  1. RTIC Cooler – If you follow me on instagram, you might remember I polled asking for peoples opinions on the Yeti coolers and if they were worth the serious $$ they cost. Most people responded that, yes they were as good as they claim, however the brand RTIC was just as good with a smaller price tag! This 52 qt RTIC cooler is what I opted to get Chris this year, I liked it because it came with a removable divider and a basket! Compared to a similar yeti cooler it’s $175 less expensive!
  2. Waterproof Hat – From the photo this might look like just another hat, but these are the perfect summer hat, they are water friendly, lightweight, and floatable! This was actually on my list for last Father’s Day and the color I had wanted sold out!
  3. Battery Pack – This was a gift I got for my dad! Something he wouldn’t go out and purchase for himself but that he gets TONS of use out of! These will recharge an iphone about 3 times!
  4. Wallet – This nonbulky wallet has a pull tab so you can easily access cards. I got this for Chris two years ago and it’s still in great shape & he loves it! Comes it lots of colors!
  5. Breakfast Sandwich Maker – Make your own McMuffin at home! We own one of these and it’s so good! My dad actually gave this gift to Chris his first fathers day!! It makes for a fun easy weekend breakfast! Just fyi the metal tabs get blazing hot so use an oven mitt!
  6. Car Vacuum – For the dad who hates crumbs in his car…
  7. Last but NOT least, keeping it simple makes for the best gifts. I made these handprints with the boys last year for Father’s Day. Put them in a simple white frame and now they live in Chris’ office. Took 10 minutes and cost less than $10!

The Monday in March That Started It All.

For most people March means the welcoming of Spring & St. Patricks Day. But for me, March will always make me pause, make me look around and think about all the different ways my life could have gone. Three years ago on a random March Monday our world flipped upside down. I thought I was taking my husband to the ER for an unmanageable migraine. In the hours that followed, his mentation deteriorated, I held my 10 month old son, and watched as my coworkers work fervently trying to figure out what had caused my high functioning husband to suddenly become unable to finish sentences, use his hands, or even follow commands. I sat beside him as a machine breathed for him, in the same room I had cared for countless intubated patients over the years. Stunned that this was my reality.

About a month after Chris’ “outage” as we jokingly refer to it now, I did write a post about our experience with viral encehphalitis, you can read it here . It’s funny because there are similar threads, thoughts on immense gratitude for life but reading it now it’s clear that at the time I thought “welp processed that, time to move on”. I refer to Chris’ recovery in the past tense, when in reality it would be over a year before he truly felt like himself again. And I would spend the year having intense flash backs and resisting attempts at truly processing it. Perspective baby.

I wish I could say that those nights in the ICU were the hardest part but the weeks and months that followed would be far more arduous. The get well flowers wilted and life outside our apartment walls went back to normal but inside I felt shell shocked. I was on edge wondering if every bout of dizziness or return of a headache was the start of Chris’ encephalitis returning. In the midst of balancing the household responsibilities and caring for our ten month old son the trauma loomed over us. At the time, I remember mostly saying “I don’t wanna talk about, let’s just move on”. Spoiler alert – you can’t just move on from your trauma without ever processing it.

I resisted for so long, thinking the walls I was building up would protect me. My decade as an ER nurse has been a masterclass at keeping trauma at arms distance, emotionally detaching myself from immense sorrow. It’s how us nurses are able to go from compressing a lifeless chest one minute & doing a vision test the next. A skill that I’ve since learned should be used with measure. When it came to this, the more I turned away the more it hurt. As much as I yearned for everything to “be normal” again it wouldn’t be. And that was the point. This was meant to transform us, if we’d let it.

I started recognizing that even though I didn’t want to “relive it” I already was, and it was happening out of my control (usually at work). Those memories seared into my brain, played like a movie with crystal clearness. I would get flashes of what happened that day, my coworkers sprinting around. The looks on peoples faces. The same hallway I walk dozens of time per shift, that I sat and sobbed in, all those memories loomed under the surface, red hot. About a year ago I was transferring a patient to the ICU. The patient was going into the same room Chris had been in. When I crossed the threshold in an instant I was taken right back to being at his bedside. The first two nights I had ever spent away from my son. As I wheeled my patient waves of overwhelming heaviness and fear washed over me. Fear of not knowing what life would be like when he was extubated. Wondering what would he remember, how much PT would he need, how far from baseline would he be starting at? Would I suddenly be caring for my son & my husband? All the feelings and fears I never allowed myself feel in real time because I was flexing my detachment muscle as hard as I possibly could.

That night I went home and wrote. I wrote about what it felt like to walk back into that room, I wrote about my fears, I wrote about the last twelve months. I wrote about things I didn’t even realize were below the surface. Some of which would be the skeleton of this post. My younger self used to fill journal after journal growing up. That habit abruptly stopped when nursing school took over my life. Writing in journals suddenly felt juvenile, like something I did only as a kid, before I had real problems. But here I was watching the words pour out of me. Chris’ encephalitis albeit life altering and terrifying has been the single biggest catalyst for change for not only Chris but myself as well.

This transformation certainly didn’t happen overnight, and in writing this, I know it is still ongoing. In some ways this experience feels like yesterday and other times it feels like a lifetime ago. It isn’t until you’re met head on with life’s raw fragility that you’re faced with either growing and evolving or hiding away. I could have continued to turn away, continued to say “I don’t wanna talk about it or relive it” but I’m convinced I wouldn’t have grown. Instead, eventually, I turned into it.

Right away we prioritized physical health – Per his doctors recommendations we did the Whole30 diet to figure out what had caused his body to be in such a hyper-inflammatory state. Chris embarked on Neuro Physical Therapy. I leaned into my at home workouts that I knew were keeping me from totally losing it. We slowed way down. Chris started talk therapy, and I actually agreed to open up about my experience. We discovered our enneagram types and recognized the role they played in our relationship, our daily lives and the way we communicate with one another. I started writing again. And last year I started meditating. Sitting with my thoughts, creating space and stillness has opened entire new worlds for me. I started intentionally choosing to use that experience to shape my life going forward. I recognized that through bettering myself, through facing my trauma I could help others.

This March I felt a very strong pull to lean back into things that bring me genuine happiness. I bought a doodle pad, I dusted off my sewing my machine, I’m reading books that make me laugh and cry. I’m posting here more! I’m planting flowers in every open space in our yard. I’m filling journals again, I’m overcommitting to projects (because I secretly love that)!

So this morning, this March Monday, I’m up before the sun. I’m giving my mind the gift of pausing. I’m moving my body and overall I’m thankful. Because even thought it may not seem like it it. It’s all connected. Your gifts, your circumstances, your purpose, your imperfections; your journey, your destiny. It’s molding you. Embrace it.

21 in 2021

Nearly all of us have made New Years resolutions only to watch them fizzle out before February. The end of the year can stir up all kinds of feelings. Whether your year was filled with great change, new additions to your family or maybe your year was filled with setbacks or grief, or maybe like most of us, a little of both. Sometimes it can be hard to look back and try to set goals especially if maybe your goals haven’t changed much. I love reflecting on the year, and thinking about what I want to take forward with me into the new year, but the idea of making resolutions is kinda bleh. A few years ago I was listening to a podcast where they shared the idea of instead of making resolutions creating a list for the year (20 for 2020, 21 for 2021 etc). Often times resolutions don’t strike us as fun things, although they certainly could be. The list is a way to reframe resolutions. You can fill your list with anything you want. Maybe it’s a list of 22 recipes to try this year, or 22 hikes. Or maybe it’s a list of half fun half tasks. They even suggest leaving a few spaces blank so you can fill it out with throughout the year when you get inspired. I personally like to fill my lists with some fun things, a few larger goals for the year, and easy things that I’ve been putting off but that can be crossed off in a day. The goal isn’t necessarily to get every single thing crossed off the list. It’s more just about thinking of what you’d like to accomplish in the year and adding some whimsy! I figured I would share both my 2021 & 2022 lists to give some inspiration!

21 in 2021

  1. Take the boys to the snow!
  2. Go to the dentist – did this with 8 days left in the year!
  3. Night away with Chris
  4. Take the boys to the beach
  5. Meditate / gratitude daily
  6. Take Will on day dates (I want to do more of this in 2022 – we only did a handful of these this year)
  7. Read 10 books (currently reading book # 10)
  8. Create 2020 photo book
  9. Holiday photo frames
  10. Get family photos taken – had these scheduled but bad weather had us cancelled. 2022!!
  11. Swim lessons for Will
  12. Have a spring garden
  13. Get vaccinated
  14. Host at our house
  15. Redo boys closets
  16. Find a PCP
  17. Go to Yosemite
  18. Less than 5 hours screentime / day
  19. Get Johnathans birth certificate
  20. Hike LimeRidge – This was a 2020 roll over! Made it happen this year.
  21. Overnight BFF trip – This did not happen this year but will happen in 22!

22 in 2022

  1. Get family photos taken
  2. Read 12 books
  3. Trip to NYC
  4. Build a neighborhood free little library
  5. Day dates with boys
  6. Switch to clean makeup
  7. Run a 5k
  8. Go to the dermatologist
  9. Find a PCP
  10. Do 3 Day Refresh
  11. Get pictures off old macbook
  12. Do a 30 minute meditation monthly
  13. Take boys to Tilden / BADM 3x
  14. Plan and Plant a spring / summer garden
  15. Pay off mazda
  16. Take Juno on weekly walks
  17. Make an album of now
  18. Paint master bath / add shelving
  19. Take a social media Sabbath each week
  20. Go to a National Park
  21. Try therapy
  22. Shiplap entry way

I’d love to know how the ending of a year makes you feel? Do you enjoy reflecting on the year? Is it hard to come up with resolutions? Or do you take a spin on resolutions and do something whimsy filled like a fun list?

I think most of our lives are more complex than just “good year” “bad year”. 2021 for me was filled with seeing more family, getting to take our boys on adventures, finding a new world of calm and presence through meditation. Turning inward and looking at barriers and old wounds that are holding be back from being the happiest version of myself. There were also moments of grief and struggle. We lost my cousin this year. And in October I laid with my son in a hospital bed for 70 hours while doctors decided if he needed to go to the ICU. None of us are immune to the sorrow that life will inevitably throw at us, but we are capable of looking for light & allowing that light to come in. I’m always brought back to a quote by Milan Kundera from his book The Unbearable Lightness of Being “The heavier the burden the closer, the closer our lives become to the earth, the more real and truthful they become. Conversely, the absolute absence of burden causes man to be lighter than air, to soar into heights, take leave of the earth and his earthly being, and become only half real, his movements as free as they are insignificant. what then shall we choose? Weight or lightness”. No matter what 2021 brought to you, I hope you are able to find light & take that light in 2022 with you!

Cheers to a New Year! Oh & if you make a list I’d LOVE to see it!

Sensory Overload In Motherhood

Why doesn’t anyone warn you about sensory overload as a mother. I feel like we hear about moms being “touched out” but it’s not just being touched. It’s the dog barking, it’s the wooden hammer on the cabinet, it’s the doorbell ringing, it’s the repetitive phrase your toddler has chosen to say louder and louder, it’s that toy with the annoying song that someone left on.

I struggle with overstimulation big time. I first started really noticing it a few months into breastfeeding J. Combining feeding a distractible infant while cross monitoring what a busy two year old is getting into had me almost always in this fight or flight mode. It was not the peaceful breastfeeding experience I had with Will. After stopping nursing I realized another rapid fire way for me to get sent into sensory overload was when we would roughhouse. It would only take getting hit in the face a few times for me to suddenly feel like my walls were closing in, my skin would start crawling, I’d immediately want no one to touch me.

It is easy to question yourself, to feel alone. Why is the dog barking or my kid wanting to “wrestle” me causing me to feel SO uncomfortable. My heart beats faster, I feel annoyed, angry at seemingly insignificant things. Each noise feeling like an interruption into the single thought I’m trying to complete. I found myself deeply craving silence. In the moment feeling like I want to retreat into darkness.

Before we had kids I would occasionally feel this way after a busy shift. Chris would play music in the mornings and I remember this same feeling, the music was too much, it felt like my brain was still too close to that fight or flight mode. Even if I slept it still felt like all the alarms, ringing phones, or screaming patients were still right there. All it took was turning the music down and it’d go away quickly. Well with kids you can’t just turn down the volume and often times the volume feels like it’s just increasing. 

If you feel this way too, you’re not alone. It is totally normal to get sensory overloaded and you are not selfish or a bad mom for wanting silence. Letting our brains decompress from the stimulus of motherhood is absolutely necessary in order for us not just to survive but thrive in motherhood. We all have difference tolerances and triggers when it comes to stimulus but there all ways to help both prevent and rescue yourself from fight or flight. 

  1. Know your triggers & set boundaries around them. Find out the sounds or types of stimulus that push you quickly into that mode If that toy remote your kid has plays a song that makes you want to tear your hair out – take the batteries out! Make certain toys for outside play only. I personally stopped buying dog toys with squeakers, instituted a drumming outside only rule, and encourage loud play to be done in bedrooms instead of common areas. I also know to put my hair up so it doesn’t get accidentally snagged by a toddler, and to set clear boundaries when we roughhouse I usually say something like “If I get hit in the face again, I will need to take a break from the game”. It sounds silly but the boundary setting works & is another valuable skill to teach your kids. When it comes to your body setting clear boundaries that you hold in turn teaches your kids that it is okay and they can set boundaries with their bodies too! Tickling is the prime example. Whenever my boys say stop to tickling we ALWAYS stop. Continuing to tickle your kids when they say stop is saying “it’s okay to ignore people’s boundaries”.
  2. Practice LOUD & soft – when your kids are already screaming is not the time to try to teach them how to whisper. Instead turn it into a game at a time when they are fairly calm. We play this at the dinner table. We can’t expect our kids to know things we haven’t bothered to teach them, teaching them how to control their volume is an important life skill and future teachers will thank you!
  3. Breathe mama breathe – When you are seeing white & are in that mode. Literally stop moving, and start breathing. Take a slow deep breathe, hold for 4 seconds, exhale. repeat. Closing your eyes helps too. This physiologically will help bring your body and your nervous system out of fight or flight.
  4. Carve out quiet. I personally get up 1-2 hours before my kids now that they both sleep through the night. I use this time to meditate, journal, read, workout, get breakfast ready. I know this is not for everyone. At the very minimum I get up 10 minutes before them. Enough time to sit in silence and stillness. Creating a quiet morning ritual will give you a sense of control over your day. You are not immediately thrown into a reactive state. This has probably been the thing that helps me the most. Sitting in stillness feels like the most luxurious thing once you have kids and meditation has helped me actualize this concept that peace is within us and are able to find it whenever we like. 
  5. Use a screen, recompose, and don’t feel guilty. You will be more present and a better parent. When I had peaceful nursing sessions it was either in the middle of the night, while Will was sleeping or when will was watching Mickey Mouse. Looking back I’m thankful I did that and wish I had recognized this sooner and found more ways to make more peaceful nursing sessions. 
  6. Speak Up. Do not suffer in silence. Name what you’re feeling. Is the clutter overwhelming you, is the music too loud, is toddler hanging from your leg pushing you into a reactive hyperstimulated state? Name it. Talk about it. If you are lucky to have a partner or support system talk to them, and try to find ways to release. Some days when my husbands comes in from work (he works in a detached office in our yard) I will tell him I need to go sit in the office for a few minutes of silence.

Sensory Overload In Motherhood

Sunday Sunsets

Last night we spontaneously decided to head over to Baker Beach for the sunset and it ended up being one of the most beautiful sunsets I’ve probably ever seen. This past week was so busy, Chris was gone Monday through Thursday for work, I worked 3 shifts including Saturday night. I celebrated a friends birthday & Sunday we went to Dim Sum for a red egg & ginger party. So Sunday was the first day Chris, William & I were all together for a whole day in a week!

Before having Will I used to take Juno to the beach weekly. It’s truly her heaven on earth but now days it’s a two person job. One to wrangle the dog and one to wrangle the toddler. I’m acutely award that we won’t live 10 minutes from the beach forever so I’m trying soak up all the beach days I can & even though it can be hectic I wouldn’t have it any other way!